Right in My Eyes

In the book of Judges it says: "In those days there was no king in Israel; every man did what was right in his own eyes." (Judges 17:6; 21:25) This is an attitude I have noticed in people quite a lot recently. But the more I recognize it in others, the more excruciatingly vivid it becomes in my own attitude. I am guilty of thinking I'm always right... or at least that I always have the right intentions.

My friend Shiloh actually brought this to my attention a few months ago. I was presenting how I really find myself to be an interesting person (though this may be vain, it IS true), and Shiloh made the comment, "Well, every man is right in his own eyes, according to the Bible." I admit that I felt a bit surprised - I was rather expecting something like, "But Christy, you ARE incredibly interesting!" Hahaha. But that was the start of all my thoughts on this, so I'm grateful for his words.

The truth is, Shiloh is correct. Each man is right in his own eyes. It says in Proverbs, "The way of the fool is right in his own eyes, but he who listens to counsel is wise." (Prov 12:15) and again, "All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart)." (Prov 16:2)

We all give preference to ourselves. When we hurt others we know it wasn't intentional... or even if it was, they deserved it because they hurt us first. Our actions are right to us. We excuse thoughts that others would find offensive. We dismiss hurtful comments because we didn't intend them to come out that way. We pardon our actions because they came out of misunderstanding (if we had been informed, we would never have done that!). In the beginning of his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie shows that even the worst of criminals believe themselves innocent!

I suppose another thing that made me notice this in myself was the privilege of observing the same attitude in certain campers while I counseled one week this summer. During and after that week of camp, I noticed that every time something irritating happened, even if it was my fault, I immediately started making excuses for myself. I'm so tired. I haven't had a moment to myself all summer. Well I have to shower SOMETIME. She knows I hate it when she says that. They could have at least TOLD me that they were offended! Why are we so much readier to extend grace to ourselves than to others?

Thankfully, I did notice this ugly selfish regard for myself. So when I found myself justifying something, I stopped myself and set myself straight, and within a minute I was justifying myself about something else. You'd think I was hopeless. Thank God for His indwelling life; His very Spirit to lead me in the way I should walk!

The whole thing reminds me of a song called The Problem by Downhere (my all-time favorite band):

There's got to be some reason for all this misery

Some secret evil corporation somewhere overseas

They're pulling strings arranging things

It's a conspiracy!

Or what about the ones who shaped the course of history?

What if we petitioned for one grand apology?

I'll write to my prime minister -

You write your president!

Everybody's wondering how the world could get this way

If God is good, and how it could be filled with so much pain

It's not the age-old mystery we've made it out to be

Yeah there's a problem with the world

The problem with the world is me

Some will say the devil and his legions

Have put us in a headlock of submission

But they lost all power over me

A long, long time ago

And since I was a kid you know I've caused a lot of hurt

No-one ever taught me how to put myself first

It came so very naturally

I'm not a prodigy

So I will look no further than the mirror

That's where the great offender hides

So great is my need for a redeemer

That I cannot trust myself

No, I cannot trust myself

I dare not trust myself

So I trust in Someone else

The sooner you can sing along

The sooner you can sing this song

The happier you'll be

The problem with the world is me.

I especially love the second verse because it is so revealing of life apart from Christ. It's not like we need to WORK at being selfish. It comes naturally. The problem isn't an outside force - it's me.

Our world is so ready to help us blame others. Just listen to the media, or psychology, or your friends. Ironically, if everyone blames everyone, it's still everyone's fault. So let's own up. Let's be true men and women instead of mere shadows. Let's take responsibility for that which belongs to us - specifically, our own thoughts, intents and actions.

In my own life this means taking the blame when I'd rather not, turning the other cheek, giving preference to others and considering their needs as more important than my own. It cannot hurt me; "it only hurts my pride, and I do not owe my pride anything" (MacDonald). I am ready to be a true woman - one who gives instead of takes; one who serves instead of demands; one who loves truly and lives uprightly.

"For through the grace given to me, I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of yourself than you ought to think, but to think so as to have sound judgment..." Romans 12:3a

Up for Some Air

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels a bit pounded by the waves and tides of life. There must be others who long for a moment all by themselves to collect those scattered thoughts so as to process, file and store them neatly away.

Honestly, this has got to be short because I am really exhausted; but I have to say that the last few days have been some of the most relaxing, amazing days ever. I read books all day long yesterday. Today I accomplished a couple things, read some more, skyped a bit, made some banana bread.... this is really the life! But I think I enjoy it ten times more because I haven't had a single moment to myself all summer long. I'm glad that's how it works. :)

To all of my readers: I hope you find a few spare moments in these next few days to contemplate eternity and life, and to sort those thoughts that need sorting. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing.

My Best Friend :)

My third sister is about to get married, and as with all new stages of life, things will change a little bit. :) But Candi will always be my best friend - even if we won't see each other quite as much as before! We talked about that this morning and agreed that we need to spend plenty of time together before the wedding, and plenty of time on the phone after. :)


Late nights, long talks,
Endless vows to take walks -
No follow through,
But I was with you;
I miss my best friend.

Long days, late drives,
Rare were good-byes
I left and returned
I finally learned
I missed my best friend

Time gone, so fast,
What was then has passed
We've grown up now
You're saying vows
I miss my best friend

Though wrong; I'm sad,
The days we had
Were always good
So misunderstood
I miss my best friend

The chapter ends,
The book is done;
The prince arrived,
The princess won;
This reader is still looking on,
Watching till the pair is gone.
A sigh, a pang, a breath of air,
The people slowly leave her there.
It's lovely, also bittersweet;
Alone, just fine, but she must think
Now that they are at the end
She misses her best friend.

My Last Night of 22

I love growing up. Life is so full and rich!

April's spilling,

Days are filling,

Summer's here,

But Spring's appeared

In all the flowers

Of the season

Which committed

Such a treason;

By sneaking in

Unforeseen...

So we'll explain

Why they are all here again - 

It's really quite appalling!

The day is tinting summer's flavor

With warmth that we long to savor.

Won't you be more than a guest?

Stay a little longer yet?

Thank you, but it's not to be;

The sun will work its ripening,

The blossoms fall, the fruit appear;

Just as it must this time of year.

You sow in trust, in faith you reap;

If God says "give," 'tis loss to keep.

Summer days so swiftly flown,

And still half summer yet to go!

So close to growing up I've been,

Still such a little child I am;

Sometimes in fear I give a smirk,

Pretending that the age that lurks

Just around the corner

Is something I can scorn!

But when I'm most honest with me

I do not even care to flee - 

Instead I'll take it in my stride,

Savor it with all my might -

And smile as I get older.

Yes, I'm watching me get older.

:)

Lovely Incapability

If you want to get to the meat of the blog, you can skip the life highlights, but for those of you who are interested....

Recent Life Highlights:

My dear friend Claire arrived on July 3. She did the last two weeks of camp with me and seemed to enjoy it pretty tremendously! The other staff and campers also enjoyed her (that was no surprise to me)!

My sister Candi is now engaged to Jordan! :)

Strawberries are in season. :)

I very likely have a place to move into in October!

I plan to take a TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course in September. Still praying about money on that one! :)

Last week I counseled at camp. Counseling is not my strong point. I did it twice before in the ten summers I volunteered at camp. But honestly, I was never the counselor type. 

Due to the aforementioned, you may imagine that I was a bit apprehensive before counseling at camp last week. I had a talk with God beforehand and essentially put it all on Him. "Well, Lord, you know that this is not my strength. But I know that it is Your strength. These are Your children, and I believe You will teach them. So Lord, I look forward to seeing You at work as I make myself available to You. Thank You for what You will teach Your children."

The truth is that God gave me a lot of wisdom during the week. I had no real devotional plan outlined when I arrived at camp on Sunday night. But each devotion was planned, thought out, and understandable - even though for some I had about ten minutes of prep time. The girls in my cabin all seemed to grasp what we talked about each morning and evening, and their questions and answers were deep. There were no real issues in the cabin, but even in the small things, God gave me tremendous wisdom. I have always struggled to know when to be firm or strict, and when to laugh and not make a big deal of things. My typical pattern has been that I always do the wrong one. But this week I knew. Not because I suddenly figured out the perfect way to make a child obey, but simply because God gave me wisdom. It was a GOOD week.

I so appreciate the times when I know without doubt that I am inadequate and that running away is not an option. It creates opportunity to walk forward in complete reliance on Jesus to live His life. That is, of course, exactly how it OUGHT to be. We were never intended to live the Christian life. Rather, we are to know our inadequacy to live this life, and rest in the fullness of truth that Christ lives it perfectly as we trust Him to do so. It's a beautiful thing.

I look forward to the next time when I know without a doubt that I am inadequate. I hope it's tomorrow! Why? Because I love seeing Christianity lived by the only One capable of living it - by Christ Jesus Himself.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

Lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Week 1

I love the smell of sulfur. Kind of weird, yes - but before you judge me, I must tell you why. I love that smell because it is the smell of camp. The water at camp has very high levels of sulfur, so every year when I arrive, I breathe in that nasty smell, and a flood of sweet memories come flooding into my brain. It's a beautiful thing.

Camp is that place where big things always happened. Everything sort of came together there. In fact, I'm thinking this moment of the year when I fought with Candi alllllllll the time, and after getting back from camp, realized that I was the one in the wrong all those times. Camp was the place I accepted Jesus as my King and Savior. Camp is where I surrendered Bible School to God after clutching onto it for so long.

I got the opportunity to serve at camp again this year. That good ol' smell of sulfur greeted me as I stepped out of the car. The levels are high this year, so it smells like I'm showering in rotten eggs. Bah - I don't mind. :) It's the smell of camp! Anyway, my job the first week was hostess. That does not mean I seated the campers when they came in for dinner. It meant that I was in charge of a crew of seven kitchen helpers. They did the work, I made sure it got done. Sounds easy, but it's plenty of work, believe me.

There is a lot to say about camp, and I see that I've already given you four paragraphs that have not a whole lot to do with what I want to say. So here goes. This year, I didn't feel like I really cared that I was at camp. Oh sure, it was great to be here, but I didn't feel like spending time with the kids. I didn't feel like talking to them or hanging out with them or learning their names. Granted, the kitchen is a bit removed from all the action, but we still function FOR THE KIDS... and I was having trouble connecting.

The beautiful thing about serving, however, is that it gives your heart the opportunity to return to the right place. God graciously reminded me of the Genesis account of Rebecca's response to Abraham's servant - "May I water your camels also?" This isn't totally random; rather, it resounded in my heart that Rebecca didn't know that her actions would change many lives. Regardless of my feelings, I had to trust that God was at work though me. Was it an easy task for Rebecca to give all those camels water? Certainly not! Did she have to do it? No. She could have gone the easy route and continued with her happy little life without making the sacrifice of extra work. But she didn't choose what was easy - she chose what was good and right. She didn't know that those few words would change her life, but she said them anyway. So my heart kept saying, "May I water your camels also?" Not exactly the words and actions it wanted - but that it knew were good and right. And truly, by the time Thursday rolled around, I knew that I was at camp for the right reasons.

I also spent a bit of time catching up on Bible. I found myself reading in 1 Kings, where Solomon builds the temple. He finishes it, then all of Israel gathers and Solomon prays a to God and says many things. Two things stood out to me in the passage. One, that God is faithful in His promises and that we can and OUGHT to depend on Him to accomplish them. Two, Solomon mentions in his prayer to God that although it was David who wanted to build the temple, God used Solomon to do the actual building. David did indeed gather supplies for it and was a huge part of God's work in building it, but he didn't ever see it completed - Solomon did.

This is such a picture of what happens at camp "One plants, another waters, but it is God who causes the growth" and we may not know what part we got to play - but the fact is that God's word does not return void. He is at work in the lives of these campers though the staff. We may not get to see His work completed, but we can trust that we get to be part of it.

Seems like these always become much longer than I intend. I'll catch you up on week 2 next weekend.

Nighttime Reflections

I miss Hungary. I miss the liver paste on sandwiches, and Hungarian accents. I miss hearing people say "hello" when they ought to be saying "goodbye". I miss my dungeon. I miss peach juice. I miss tucking  the kids in; snuggling with Miriam, Benjamin's laugh, Oliver's dimples. I miss Melinda's wisdom and conversations, and Matt's easy-going nature. I miss those sweet times with Jesus in the evenings after all is quiet.

All that doesn't have very much to do with the rest of this post.

I wrote earlier this year that I wanted to learn to care only for God's opinion, resting fully in my identity in Him. In essence, I wanted to begin drawing my security solely from Christ. These things take time, but I think I am learning.

In Texas, for example, when the singles invited me to take part in their house group one evening, and all I did was put my foot in my mouth the whole time. God's answer to my frustration was quite clearly, Well, you're security isn't in your performance, dear -- your security is Me.

Then during the mission trip with the Ravencrest group, one of the guys made a passing comment about my personality that penetrated me much deeper than he meant it to. But Christy, your personality is not your security. I am.

There was an instance in Hungary when I got pretty angry and hurt (and self-righteous, too) about something that happened on a train - and the Lord simply reminded me, Dear heart, you are upset because you are drawing your security from the wrong things. I am your security. Rest in that.

Sometimes He has to remind me a lot, because I forget a lot. But I am glad to be learning to be secure in Christ.

This world pushes a lot of lies at us about how we ought to look and act. It is, in fact, very rare to find someone (especially us girls - why is that?) who is secure. It's even rarer to find a single woman who is secure. And of course, with summer coming, we're all criticizing our bodies and wishing we looked better in shorts. We're so insecure.

This is why those words, Christy, I am your security, resound so powerfully in my soul when they come from Christ. Suddenly all those things I mentioned are but dim shadows of yesterday. My fears and insecurities are eclipsed by the reality of His life. I cease striving to attain the world's flimsy standard. My soul breathes again. I trust Him. I am at rest.

My security is not my body,
Nor is it in performance;
It isn't in how much I know
Or speaking it with eloquence.
Security is not in morality;
Tis not sustained upon success;
Depends not how others respond,
Failure, what we possess.
My security is found alone in Thee;
For Thou art my Rock and my Salvation;
My deliverer and Fortress;
My Stronghold - I shall not be shaken.